Wednesday, July 4, 2012

i found a boy

it is quarter to midnight and i am wide awake.
when i wake up in the morning i will know if i have made it on the shortlist for the arrival magazine job. it is hard to tell yourself to picture the worst. imagine myself not getting it. to close your eyes and run through what your emotions would be if you found out you weren't selected. that you were so close, but just didn't have enough.
my home in nova scotia is at the top of a hill. my dad would always tell me to look down at the ground when you walk up it. that way it looks flat, and you'll trick yourself into thinking you are walking on a flat surface. i remember him telling me that every time i walk up a hill.
i am packing up my bedroom. it is the night before my last night with this family. the eve of the eve. i am wearing a hot pink maxi dress with a big grey sweater on top. my hair in it's most comfortable position, a top knot.
my best friend alana arrived in calgary about an hour ago. our friend loraine picked her up. i am meeting alana tomorrow morning and spending the day with her. i feel like loraine and i are a separated couple and alana is our child. we are just starting to adapt to the in's and out's of shared custody. i made alana brownies yesterday. there is only one row of them left. i make really good brownies.
packing up my stuff. putting my possessions into boxes and shipping them across the country. i am glad  i am occupied with that tonight. because if i wasn't i would be pacing back and forth in my room wondering about my dream job with arrival magazine. i would literally be pacing my room. developing calluses on my feet from repeatedly pivoting on the same spot on my foot. most likely listening to something ridiculously inappropriate for the moment, probably adele's i found a boy. i am the worst at choosing a life soundtrack. my ipod playlists are one of the most embarrassing things about me.
by the time anyone reads this it will already be decided. i will already know. this insane contest will be one step closer to conclusion. five people will have smiles plastered on their faces. i am a great smiler. so hopefully i get the chance to show it off. humble.

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