Tuesday, August 23, 2011

routine, job, commitments

the nanny named fran
during my desperate search for a job i came across several au pair/nanny websites. for kicks i joined a couple and created a profile. i figured it would be a good back up. the nanny named fran was one of my cherished childhood shows, so if i could maybe find a family like fran fine did when she found the sheffield's, and took care of maggie, grace and brighton, maybe then everything could be just fine. before i knew it, i started getting tons of messages from families in europe, the states and all across canada. but i didn't see a family that matched what i was looking for, or what i thought i was looking for. for about a week, i kept in contact with one woman from toronto, who i was going to go work with for the summer. but she found another nanny closer by, so that opportunity disappeared as soon as it had been offered to me. after that upset i deleted most of my accounts and only kept one open. this move drastically decreased the messages in my inbox, and i started to forget about my nanny back-up plan, and focused on all the other jobs that the job-bank's were spewing out. then about two weeks ago i got an email from a woman who was interested! i checked out her family's profile; calgary, four kids, energetic, adorable. ever since then we have been messaging back and forth. it started with lots of general get to know you questions, and then before i knew it we were skyping and then i was picking out flights.
i am leaving in two days. since i found out that i was leaving, i haven't been able to settle on one emotion. sitting at my clutter-filled kitchen table, a damp breeze blows through the window above the sink, my eyes lock on an empty jar of olives sitting on the countertop, and thoughts slowly enter my head. as my eyes glass over, fixated on the olive jar, my thoughts pick up speed and begin to race through my head.
i'm excited, i'm terrified, i'm relieved, i'm nervous, i'm over thinking this, i've got to just enjoy it, i have so much to pack, what if i pack too much and am the kid that has to frig around with shampoo and underwear at the check-in counter, what if they tricked me and don't email me back and this was all some cruel joke, what if i don't make friends, what if i become even more depressed than i was here, what if i get homesick, i've been all the way around the world and wasn't homesick...IDIOT!, what if they dress real fancy and my dog haired cotton picked lululemon yoga pants for the non-yoga addict are cheesy, what if they only eat hotdogs and tacos, what if they pray before meals, what if they are racist, what if they think i'm not pretty, what if the kids don't like me, what if one of them is a noisy eater(my biggest pet peeve), what if i don't feel like i am contributing enough for what they are paying me - inhale - i'm going to do fine - exhale - i'm going to fuck it all up - inhale - i'm nauseous - exhale - i am twenty three - inhale - i can talk really fast in my head - exhale -.
so now i have a routine, i have a job, and i have commitments. now i live in calgary.

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