|the nanny named fran|
i am leaving in two days. since i found out that i was leaving, i haven't been able to settle on one emotion. sitting at my clutter-filled kitchen table, a damp breeze blows through the window above the sink, my eyes lock on an empty jar of olives sitting on the countertop, and thoughts slowly enter my head. as my eyes glass over, fixated on the olive jar, my thoughts pick up speed and begin to race through my head.
i'm excited, i'm terrified, i'm relieved, i'm nervous, i'm over thinking this, i've got to just enjoy it, i have so much to pack, what if i pack too much and am the kid that has to frig around with shampoo and underwear at the check-in counter, what if they tricked me and don't email me back and this was all some cruel joke, what if i don't make friends, what if i become even more depressed than i was here, what if i get homesick, i've been all the way around the world and wasn't homesick...IDIOT!, what if they dress real fancy and my dog haired cotton picked lululemon yoga pants for the non-yoga addict are cheesy, what if they only eat hotdogs and tacos, what if they pray before meals, what if they are racist, what if they think i'm not pretty, what if the kids don't like me, what if one of them is a noisy eater(my biggest pet peeve), what if i don't feel like i am contributing enough for what they are paying me - inhale - i'm going to do fine - exhale - i'm going to fuck it all up - inhale - i'm nauseous - exhale - i am twenty three - inhale - i can talk really fast in my head - exhale -.so now i have a routine, i have a job, and i have commitments. now i live in calgary.